Clive Owen takes aim at the writers, producers and director of "Derailed".
Last night I was witness to one of the all time indulgences of movie watching. That (I guess not so) rare event where a movie transforms from an out and out stinking turkey, into a movie that is so delectably so-bad-it's-good that you cannot bear to turn away.
Derailed is just such a movie.
I couldn't believe I was being made to watch this royal stinkfest of a film by the other half. What had I done to warrant such treatment? I know I've not exactly been the greatest company to have around of late, but surely it doesn't mean that I'm fit to be tortured with a Jennifer Aniston chick-flick? Oh, the HUMANITY!
I'm not going to pull any punches or hide any script or plot lines here, so if you're planning on seeing this shitflick a) DON'T or b) STOP READING NOW.
So this kind of doofus'y charming business type guy meets a stranger on a train. She buys something for him (I don't know, a coffee or something) because he's short of change. He bumps into her again (quite coincidentally) and pays her back. They get to small talk and BINGO, they're just SO right for each other.
Oh, I forgot to mention that the affable Mr Clive Owen's character has a terminally ill daughter, as well as being married to the cute-but-not-hot Melissa George. So anyway, all the seeds of infidelity are being sown through the script and you just know that Clive and Jen are going to be bumping uglies any minute.
So they go out for dinner and on the way home set about searching for a hotel to consummate their unholy union. Jen gets cold feet and jumps out of the cab, which just happens to be near an old time weather beaten hotel. Clive convinces her to change her mind and they book in a room at this slightly dodgy motel.
I interrupt this transmission to highlight the hypocrisy of the female of the species. Up to this point a certain someone (in the spirit of this being a chick-flick, and 'oh Clive but he's so dreamy') has been defending Mr Owen's descent into infidelity. "Oh his life's so wretched", "Oh, he just needs something nice in his life" and all of the other defending his indiscretion has my blood on the point of boiling. It's topped off when she asks if I've ever taxied around town looking for a hotel to perform such a betrayal. I'm incensed!
So anyway, just as Jen's about to go the full blown... well... blow... ("She doesn't seem like the blowjob type" - are you SERIOUS?????) the hotel door is kicked open and a very unsavory character (the typecast ugly bloke from Eastern Promises, whatever his name is, let's call him "Frenchy") bursts in and threatens them with a gun. Pistol punches poor Clive, and sets about raping Jen.
After the event Jen refuses Clive's contacting the police because her husband might find out. Boo hoo. Still later Clive gets a call from Frenchy and is now the victim of a $100,000 extortion.
Here's where I cut to the quick.
After Clive's life is just about at breaking point, after he's helped be responsible for the murder of a work colleague, after stealing the $100,000 for his daughters kidney transplant, after embezzling money from work - you get my drift... somehow he discovers (through some particularly amateur sleuthing) that Frenchy and Jen were actually IN IT TOGETHER! That's right folks, NONE of their chance meeting was co-incidence at all.
So Clive spies them pulling the same scam to some other poor sap and proceeds to foil there plans and recover his goddamned money.
I don't know how the hell he did it, but through the wonders of modern day script writing, and a few plot holes the new airbus could get through, he foils their plan and murders everyone in sight.
He would have gotten away with it, too - if it weren't for the pesky company detective where he works who insists on prosecuting poor Clive for the embezzlement.
So Clive ends up on community service, teaching perps English or something. And inside he discovers that Frenchy ISN'T dead. He's serving time inside. Which give Frenchy the perfect opportunity to gain revenge against Clive for killing Jen (you following all of this?).
Except that when Frenchy is about to kill Clive, Clive reveals that he REQUESTED to teach at this prison (so somehow Clive knew Frenchy was alive and in this particular prison) at which point Clive produces a knife so big it probably set off the metal detectors at the prison in the next state - yet somehow avoided detection getting into this prison - and stabs Frenchy good.
Oh my GOD. I have never before watched a film so gloriously pathetic that it actually gave me a thrill to watch it get more and more preposterous with every scene.
In fact, if getting a kick out of such things is your bag then I couldn't rate this abomination any higher.
Rent it tonight!