Thursday, March 12, 2009

When Broadband ISN'T!


Okay, I've saved up this rant for quite some time.

3 Mobile Broadband.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU SUBSCRIBE TO THIS SERVICE.

END OF!

I vowed a long time ago that I wouldn't touch 3's products with a million foot pole. Not that I've even got a million foot pole - that would be quite uncomfortable. It would be like threading kebabs. Ewww.

Anyway - 3's advertising is possible the most insulting, condescending, non-product related advertising I've ever seen anywhere. I mean, those farken gay thunderbird puppet things they had advertising their plans a year or two ago. WTF??

But a bargain is a bargain is a bargain, no matter what brand they've got slapped on it. And last year or so ago I relented. A cool little LG touchscreen phone (I refuse to call it Viewty - Ugh!) on a pretty good cap means I was a 3 customer against all of my better judgement. Now I have to concede - 3's mobile phone coverage isn't nearly as nasty as some would have you believe. I'm pretty much satisfied with my phone and the service and the cost.

So score one for 3.

But then we move house. Time to cancel the ol' ADSL2 subscription. I do the math and figure, with a couple of mobile phones in the house, there is no need to sign up for a landline at the new premises. Except, of course, to enable the ADSL line. Until I'm convinced by the Food Critic's Nickname that we should do what her friend did - and get a mobile broadband service. Now I plead that mobile broadband is more expensive for data than ADSL, but the Food Critic's Nickname is adamant. I spend far too much time on teh interwebs as it is. It'll do me good to get a service that I won't spend so long on because of the cost. Interesting logic - but she's the boss.

So I spend some good money on a 3 (I did a lot of homework, and seriously, 3's mobile broadband plans were the only ones nearly approaching value for money) mobile broadband dongle and 12gig of pre-paid data.

WHAT A STEAMING PILE OF WANK!

The reception bar indicates that (when I can log on to the service - which isn't often) I am ALWAYS connected at the maximum signal strength.

So why is it that I can only download at a rate of some 0.1kbps? For you non-tech-talking types this is basically the equivalent of trying to fit the moon through the little hole in the middle of fat spaghetti.

This service is not only inconvenient, it is a LIE. A big fat stinking LIE! This is NOT broadband. This is not even CLOSE to broadband. This is not even close to my old 26k dial-up.

If I were playing Duke Nukem 3D against myself (via a time machine of some description) back in 1995 or so, 1995 Kingsley would FRAG THE SHIT out of 3 mobile broadband 2009 Kingsley. I'm talking - "would have time to pull out that weapon that shrinks your opponent so small you can chase him 'round and squash him with your foot" type fragging.

So now - don't bother sending me YouTube links, or funny videos, or songs, or ANYTHING! I don't have sound on the work PC for obvious reasons (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!), and the new Mac at home is now a pathetic waste of some thousands of dollars as I am unable to utilise its full worth as I can't even download a software update - hell, I can't even refresh today's fucking weather widget!!

So FUCK YOU 3.

Fuck you... very... s...l...o...w...l...y.

8 comments:

Lilli boo said...

Christ Baz, Did you think to investigate if you were locked into a contract??? After years of Telstra pulling my dick which is infinitely smaller then yours...I opted for a service with NO contracts...I like AAPT for that maybe not the best deal going around (but we are on an old deal as in aka 2007) an apparently it's a better one then they offer now..Okay, okay stop bragging you say..What about TPG..loads of my geek nerdy friends (not you) use them!!!(Apologies to all friends who use TPG and I have lumped you in that category!)

Kingsley Kingston said...

Oh, Lilli Boo...

I'm not locked into a contract - I just chose to pre-pay 12gig at what seemed like the right price. It would be good value - if only the service worked.

The ADSL2 service I had was with TPG and was generally okay - but not perfect.

My gripe is that 3's advertising says "broadband" but the product doesn't even deliver dial-up speeds unless you log on at 3.30am!!

;)

Happy Birthday, by the way. :)

Andrew said...

Stop ya whingeing ya elephant dick slapper! After experiencing your gloating when you had ADSL2, I'm now quite enjoying your whining about 3 BROADBAND!!! :)

Kingsley Kingston said...

Ouch.

You beeyotch.

;)

MattC said...

Sounds like a good op to switch from blogger to twitter. You can type 140 characters in no time at all on a slow link. Love Curt. p.s. what is "Watching The Detectives" about? Thanks.

Kingsley Kingston said...

Oh, that's good. :shakesfist:

Watching the Detectives? Well, "The Detectives" were a jazz/blues combo that played smoky dens in London in the late 60's/early 70's.

They were embroiled in a murder investigation when one of their groupies was found washed up on the banks of the River Thames. Funnily enough, the English pronounce this river "Tems" which is clearly wrong, as it's not how it's spelled at all...

MattC said...

YES I AGREE AND HOW SHIT ARE THEY AT CRICKET! Thanks Curt. p.s. how shit are Queensland at cricket?

MattC said...

p.s. now I'm imagining a kick arse jazz combo with Dizzy and Myles playing armpit trumpets like angels. Skisedgu is the captcha and also the name of their signature tune I bet! Thanks.