Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Alternative uses for Melbourne's Southern Star Wheel

Okay, I feel like I've seen this movie before.

The Great Southern Star Wheel
will likely never turn in anger again - at least not with passengers on it. Especially if the maintenance engineers who determine what is and isn't a faulty train have any say in it.

So I'm thinking this morning, "what alternative uses could we come up with for the Southern Star Wheel whilst it is out of commission?"

1. Giant Clothes Horse.

For $5 you get to hang your wet washing on the wheel. After one revolution your clothes are wheely dry.

or, in the current climate:

1a. Salami drying wheel.

As above, but with salami instead of clothes. In Melbourne at the moment you'd get it extra smoky.

2. "3" Wireless Broadband Transmitter.

I've spared you the rant about 3's Mobile Wireless Broadband - mainly because I've a self-imposed profanity meter on this blog, and every time I go to write about it my computer catches fire. And mainly because 3's Mobile Wireless Broadband is so freaken hopeless I can't post jack whilst I'm trying to get connected - but that's another rant. Let's just hook the Southern star Wheel up to 3's mobile transmitters and send those lovely wireless signals out into the ether. Brilliant.

3. Remand Centre.

Hey, it's close enough to the existing one. Just lock our most extreme violent crims in a few of the hatches and spin 'em to the top.

4. Government Propaganda Advertising Hoarding.

The government could cover this thing in advertising telling us that (at some point in the really near future - promise) they're going to break open the piggy-bank and buy 120 new trains and trams.

5. Luna Park/Royal Show novelty ride.

Incorporate this thing into the domain of Luna Park or the Royal Melbourne Show and it won't matter how many cracks appear in it, or how fast you spin it! There's life in the old girl yet!

6. Giant Lottery Wheel.

Paint giant numbers on each of the pods and loosen all of the bolts fixing them to the wheel. Spin gently until one of the pods falls off. Lucky 13, anyone? You could also raise extra government revenue by having associated betting on, say, how many people will be crushed, or how far it will roll.

Hey folks, I'm only just warming up. Any suggestions?


Anonymous said...

Couple of other possible uses
- 24/7 weddings on each pod. Entire ceremony complete in one revolution
- revolving budget hotel
- child care
How come I didnt know you had a blog after all these years Graig!

Lobotomised Former Scientist said...

I strongly suggest turning the Star into the (wait for the drum roll) World's Largest Centrifuge.

For a small fee, scientific communities from all over the globe could separate particulate matter from liquid... All in front of thousands of terrified onlookers. Awww Yeah!

The only (and somewhat minor) preparatory work, is the "juicing up" of the electric motors. Possibly turf them in favour of something a little more atomic, ex-NASA-esque???

Keep it real, Graig!!!

Nu-cu-lar Critter.

spiffo said...

Big pineapple, big mango, big prawn... pahh! How about Big Dream-cather! That'll bring those hippies in by the thousands.

Lilli boo said...

Well lets flashback to that couple who fornicated in one of the eyepods on the wheel..We could rename it the "Wheel of Fornication!"..much better then the "Wheel of Fortune" or 'misfortune" as is the case with this big white elephant..but I digress....Lil xo

zingley zingston said...


Lobotomised Former Scientist said...

Front wheel for the biggest, fuck-off three wheeler ever!!!

Lobotomised Former Scientist/Homeboy said...

OOOH, Better yet, get another three of the things, then I could finally bling my Hummer the way God would.